My sister-in-law recently gave my wife a guitar. As part of the gift, she went by the local music store and arranged for my wife to get lessons. Whether it’s learning how to play a musical instrument, master a foreign language, achieve peak physical performance, or take a professional career to a new level, working with a mentor — a person whose knowledge, skill, and ability to impart wisdom to others — is a smart thing to do.
Why should the spiritual life be any different?
An old Celtic proverb notes that a “person without a soul-friend is like a body without a head.” The Gaelic word for soul-friend — anam chara — has a meaning similar to that of starets, a Russian Orthodox word that literally means “spiritual father.” The starets and the anam chara are two culturally specific terms that refer to a widespread spiritual practice: of turning to an elder, a guide, a mentor who can provide insight and direction for the life of prayer and communion with God.
Historically, spiritual directors served in a more or less formal role: often as priests or elders in a monastic setting. Meanwhile, the notion of the soul friend suggests another, far less structured relationship: that of companionship offered to one another in a spiritual sense. Nowadays, both of these approaches to spiritual guidance: formal and informal, mentoring and peer-to-peer, can be of value to a person who seeks a more intimate connection with God. For the purposes of this brief introduction, when I speak of spiritual direction I am referring to both kinds of spiritual companionship. Indeed, some spiritual direction relationships may blur the lines between spiritual guidance and spiritual friendship, and that can be just fine. There’s no rigid “right” way to receive (or give) spiritual direction; what’s right is what works for you, in your unique quest for a deeper and more authentic relationship with the Holy One.
A spiritual director is different from the eastern concept of the guru — the master through whom enlightenment is transmitted. A Christian spiritual companion, whether director or friend, understands that any and all spiritual illumination or consolation comes directly from the Holy Spirit. Thus, it is the task of a spiritual director to be as transparent as possible, allowing God to relate directly to the seeker. Spiritual formation and contemplative prayer are not disciplines of spiritual self-aggrandizement; they are techniques for nurturing a relationship with the Divine. In this sense, a spiritual director (even in the mentoring sense) is less of a coach (demanding better performance), and more of a minister or servant: a person who can serve the vulnerable intimacy of a deepening intimacy with the creator.
I do not mean to suggest that a spiritual direction relationship is just a nice, cosy affair. Relating with God means relating with the vast Source of all love, all creativity, all power. It means not only finding ineffable joy, but also facing the difficult truth of our own capacity to resist and distort the flow of love in our lives (what has traditionally been called “sin”). To honestly face both God and our true selves is to embark upon an awe-inspiring and, at times, frightening task. Therefore, a good spiritual director will not only encourage our enthusiasm for the contemplative life, but he or she will also help us to keep from losing heart as we face the challenges of the inner life.
How to find a spiritual director
Spiritual direction is a gift from God. Both lay people and clergy make excellent soul friends; excellent directors can be found among virtually all denominations of Christianity. Some clergy, many nuns and monks, and increasing numbers of lay persons are being trained by various institutions in the art of spiritual guidance; but since the primary qualification for spiritual direction is that a person is him- or herself committed to the life of prayer, many wonderful soul friends or informal mentors may be found among those with little or no training in this area. Just as a self-taught guitarist can sometimes be a better teacher than the graduate from Juilliard, so too the best person to whom you should entrust your spiritual growth may or may not have any credentials as such. All this means is that it is wise to keep an open mind about who might be your director. You may be surprised at the kind of person who makes the “best” soul friend or mentor for you.
To find a spiritual director:
- Pray about it. Seek Divine guidance. Trust that God will lead you to the person who is right for you.
- Ask close friends you trust, and ask your pastor, for referrals. Often friends and clergy will know about persons who are gifted in the art of sharing the life of prayer.
- Look for people who are involved in contemplative ministries (like Contemplative Outreach or Shalem); often such persons will either be spiritual directors themselves, or will be able to make a referral.
- See if anyone is available at a local monastery or convent. Often monks and nuns have been trained in the art of direction, and certainly such people are familiar with the life of prayer.
- You can also visit the Spiritual Director’s International website for referrals, although I would encourage you to look for someone by word-of-mouth before resorting to a website.
A few do’s and don’ts regarding spiritual direction:
Don’t look for a spiritual director unless you are serious about praying daily and meeting regularly (say, once a month) with the director. If you resist such a discipline, a few meetings with a gifted director may help clarify your resistance. Your discipline does not have to be perfect, but your intention ought to be mature, before spiritual direction will be useful to you.- Don’t use a spiritual director as a substitute therapist. Whether formally trained or informally gifted, what a spiritual director has to offer you is support for your growth in the life of prayer. Therefore, a director may or may not have skill or training in areas of counseling and psychology. An effective spiritual director will refer you to a therapist if your concerns are more therapeutic than theological. A good rule of thumb: effective therapy helps an individual to find greater personal satisfaction and effectiveness in life; spiritual direction by contrast supports the individual who seeks union with God — an objective which carries no guarantee of “satisfaction” or “effectiveness.”
- Don’t seek spiritual direction from a spouse, family member, or close friend. You are too close to persons in these categories to truly achieve the level of vulnerability, and willingness to receive sometimes-difficult feedback, that is necessary for a truly wonderful and beneficial direction experience. Unless you live in a small town or rural area where the population is sparse, I’d also recommend finding someone other than the pastor of your church. Ideally, your spiritual director will have no other roles in your life.
- Do state your expectations and concerns about spirituality up front. Strive to be honest with the director. Remember, the goal here is to nurture your relationship with God; the director is simply there as a resource person. Since spirituality can take so many different forms, so can spiritual direction; if a particular person’s gifts or abilities don’t feel right to you, it is appropriate to look for someone who is a better fit.
- Do make sure you and the director communicate clearly about basic issues such as the location, frequency and duration of meetings, and any expectations about payment or donations. Many directors give this ministry freely, while others charge a fee per visit. Clarify this point.
- Do support the director’s other work, if the director is a minister or religious. Make an offering to his or her church or monastery or convent.
- Do change directors when appropriate (as a courtesy, direction relationships should only end at agreed-upon times, such as the end of six months). Trust your inner wisdom when a director does not seem to work for you, or when it is time to move on. Having said that, it’s also important that, once you decide a person is the right spiritual director for you, to resist any impulse to change directors whenever an inner conflict or sense of resistance emerges. Work with someone long enough to let them go after some of your defenses (lovingly, of course).
For further reading (note that most of these books are written for spiritual directors and are designed to help people engaged in the ministry of spiritual direction to grow as directors):
- Jeannette A. Bakke, Holy Invitations: Exploring Spiritual Direction
- William A. Barry and William J. Connolly, The Practice of Spiritual Direction
- Tilden Edwards, Spiritual Friend: Reclaiming the Gift of Spiritual Direction
- Kathleen Fischer, Women at the Well: Feminist Perspectives on Spiritual Direction
- Margaret Guenther, Holy Listening: The Art of Spiritual Direction
- Jean LaPlace, SJ, Preparing for Spiritual Direction
- Kenneth Leech, Soul Friend: Spiritual Direction in the Modern World
- Gary W. Moon and David G. Benner, eds., Spiritual Direction and the Care of Souls: A Guide to Christian Approaches and Practices
- Henri Nouwen et al., Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the Long Walk of Faith
- Norvene Vest, Still Listening: New Horizons in Spiritual Direction
Dear Sir, How does a 69 year old gentleman from Briton living in New York find out about living and taking part in a Monastic Order in order to learn about Contemplative Prayer and all that it entails in order to find the Godhead that dwells within? All the best. Andrew.
Awaiting your advice.
How can I comment when I have nothing more to say? I am waiting for you to reply. Not the other way round!!
In response to Andrew’s comment.
There is a Cistercian Monastery in Genesee, NY, where there is a group of laymen and women who are called Lay Cistercians. You might google either the monastery or the group. Lay Cistercians are affiliated with a number of monasteries throughout the world. The group to which I belong can be located at http://www.trappist.net. We are located in Conyers, GA.
God Love You!
Milton Lopes
Carl,
I have no advice to offer Andrew here, but I want to say that this is the first I have read this article of yours on spiritual directors, and it is excellent!! I want to copy this and send it to the head of our local home church group, who has a wonderful heart of love and service to the Body of Christ but who has had a very hard time finding a mentor to help him through his own growth struggles.
Thank you for your faithfulness and thoroughness in writing this. I truly appreciate it!
Peter
You’re welcome. Of course you are free to copy this widely, all I ask is that all copies include the URL.
I am honored, humbled and pleased at the thought that my work might be of some small service to you and your brother. AMDG.
In Christ –
Carl
Oops!
I had already sent the article (last night) by copy-and-paste to the brother I mentioned above and a lot of others on my address list who I thought might be interested, without following the common-sense courtesy protocol you requested here.
But I have already corrected that: just now (after reading the above request) I sent all these saints a follow-up e-mail with the URL for the site and the one for this article as well.
Sorry for the omission,
AMDG,
Peter
Not a problem. But thanks for the follow-up!
Cheers,
Carl
Maybe some day I will write something you can use too!
I think you’ve missed the point of soul friend. It is a reciprocal relationship of equality not mentorship or directorship. It is a joint journey, not predisposed by one party. A good transliteration would be what we know as soulmate. I marvel that many claim it as a Christian rite and it’s not. Yes, Christian movements have developed the idea to their way of thinking (eg. Anamcharadas) but, essentially, the idea is timeless and spiritual, not religious.
The proverb that you note is, again, subject to transliteration. The body without a head is akin to a boat without direction, not physically without a head. Again, another aspect that has been misconstrued.
I wish you all the best.
I’m writing as a Christian for a Christian readership, and my topic is spiritual direction, not soul friendship — two related but (as Grainne points out) different styles of spiritual relationship. Christianity does not disavow the egalitarian model of soul friendship, nor does Christianity claim its own model of spiritual direction is unique. But within the Christian context, I believe mentoring is the normative model for spiritual-growth-oriented relationships. In my own experience, mentoring and guidance-based relationships have been far more nurturing and fruitful than my several attempts to create mutual/egalitarian soul friend connections. I’d have to say that a truly egalitarian and truly deep soul friendship is a precious and rare occurrence. I’ve had some wonderful mutual anamchara relationships over the years, but they seem to go just so far — unlike mentoring relationships with clear agreements and boundaries that can go quite deep. We live in a culture that is deeply suspicious of mentoring and guidance-based spiritual relationships, and so it does not surprise me that people might resist or even attack such a model. Yet I think when we get over our cultural biases and simply open up to such an experience, it is truly wonderful. Yes, you can learn a lot about the guitar by messing around with friends. But a trained and gifted guitar teacher can take you much further, faster.
Grainne. I’m no scholar of Irish but frankly your paragraph about the proverb makes no sense to me. I don’t see how I’m “misconstruing” the body/head metaphor, and it seems to me that the boat/direction metaphor still supports a mentoring model for the anamchara.
carl, I am a “trained ” spiritual director and your description of what and how we operate is one of the best I’ve read………I also like how you’ve added the how to aspect to the end of the writing……….and as for the soul friend connection….I, too agree that that is something totally different……..if one becomes “too” close to a directee, as I would think a soul friend would be ,……it truly is harder to relate and to guide……..I’ve been there, done that, and it wasn’t in the best interest for either of us……..I do a lot of my spiritual direction in my art studio, using different media………..so we do come in many different colors……………….
I’ve experienced mystic union with God through prayer with Rumi’s poetry, similar to Theresa of Avilia’s interior castles journey. There are few, even spiritual directors, who live in the realm of being awake and enlightened in God’s love and truth which is making me leary of trusting anyone with my direction. I am beginning to think there exists a person of this type of soul-journey. They are very rare. Looking at the options of those I’ve already met with and shared it seems I’ve gone beyond even their level of spiritual mysticism. At this cross-roads, would it be a wise choice to seek someone on the internet? Looking to follow Love and not fear can you give me some advice?
I don’t know about receiving spiritual direction via the internet, I suppose it is possible but I would think it would be a pale substitute of the real face-to-face thing. If you are not finding anyone with whom you feel comfortable sharing your soul, perhaps you could be in a position to learn how to provide guidance to others? As any parent can tell you, our children are our greatest teachers; I think this holds true for “children of the soul” as well. You might want to visit Shalem or Spiritual Directors International to learn about the resources available to those who are called to become spiritual directors.
One last thought, though. I think in spiritual direction we are ultimately called not only to trust our directors, but also called to trust God and — most challenging of all — trust ourselves. If you’re having a difficult time finding someone to trust, perhaps you could ask “can I at least trust God and myself in the presence of this person?” That might give you some insight on who might be able to minister to you in this way.
Thank you, Carl, for your encouraging and well thought direction. Good word…The internet does pale in comparison with a face-to-face relationship. My spouse had found a soul-mate after a slow building friendship and experienced God in a way like never before in love that is transparent. The world fears to let down their veil and been seen for who God made them without their sins. Even I struggled to “not define” or “determine” their mystical friendship and in using the intellect at times found I was undermining the powerful work happening in their lives which blessed myself, the other spouse and those in our parish community. I now understand what looks to the world like “an affair” is how amazing the love of our Lord truly is….”it burns down our houses and shatters all of our windows!”. I long to live holy, and as Rumi would say “in the tavern” which is bliss with God every moment of every day. Yes. Trusting a spiritual director, God and myself are good words to hear and help me to do more soul work and polish my mirror in dying to my self and letting God become my complete Self. Our “children can be our greatest teacher” as you said, and I will take this to heart as I’ve felt called to deeply pray, listen and learn from others…so you may be on to something here…I will be open to God using me for spiritual direction if so called. Love is not a religion, rite or rule. Love frees with no cages, compels as well as constrains all at the right times. God bless and thank you again. I plan to add some of the books for spiritual direction you’ve listed above.
I have to agree with Carl that “a truly egalitarian and truly deep soul friendship is a precious and rare occurrence.” I have come to believe that when you find one of these, it is worth cherishing and nourishing but not holding onto tightly as it can be smothered and shut down. While it might not be sinful to seek for such a friendship, in my experience they kind of come and go serendipitously, or sovereignly. It is possible to live a long time without such a close soul friend, but it is surely a treasure and enrichment of life when it happens: a gift from a loving God.
Love and peace to all,
Peter
Awhile back I went to confession and confessed I was an ‘on again, off again’ mass attender.The priest said, “God wants you”,I said I didn’t really get anything from attending.He said,”it’s not what you get”. THAT WAS THE TRUTH FOR SURE.! I knew that was the truth and I accepted it. It was the “God wants you” part I didn’t buy. Why would God want me at mass? Didn’t He have enough people already? Why was my presence so important? The poor priest didn’t convince me and he ended in total frustration by saying “you don’t have to be a catholic”. Great! Now my feelings were hurt because I did want to be a catholic. I don’t know what I was looking for,but I would know if I found it,the right answer, that is. I’m beginning to wonder what my problem is. I do and I don’t. judy
Judith, I’m not a priest and I can’t claim to speak for the church. so I don’t think I have much advice on this whole question of mass attendance and mortal sin. I’m sorry you don’t get much out of mass, perhaps you’d find worshipping at a convent or monastery where the liturgy is more deeply contemplative to be more meaningful for you. But reading over your post, what really strikes me is your comment that “your feelings were hurt” when the priest suggested that you didn’t have to be a Catholic. I wasn’t there so I can’t comment on the tone of his voice or any other nonverbal cues, but I’m going to assume that when he said that, he wasn’t trying to get rid of you so much as he was affirming your freedom in Christ. And indeed, it’s important for all of us (Catholic, Protestant, or Orthodox) to remember that we are radically free in Christ. Confession is all about receiving God’s love and forgiveness; we tend to got focussed on making it all about “us” (what we did wrong, is such and such act really sinful, trying to make excuses or defend our actions, etc. etc.). The mental gymnastics we go through regarding confession are like the Prodigal Son rehearsing what he’s going to say to his father when he gets home and begs to be a servant. But as we all know, the father couldn’t care less about the prodigal son’s excuses or rehearsed speeches. The father just wanted to love the son! So at the end of the day, going to confession is not about how good (or bad) we are, how right or wrong our actions are, or anything like that. It’s all about God’s love and forgiveness. I’m sorry that for you, this particular confession ended in bad feelings rather than in a sense of God’s grace and mercy. That’s not your fault (if anyone is at fault, it’s the priest), but maybe the next time you go to confession, try to keep in mind that the purpose behind it is to remind you that even though you’re not perfect, you’re also not ultimately in charge and that God loves you lavishly, tremendously, unconditionally, eternally.
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there is a lot of “careering” in spirituality today. i think to use another irish expression red rag to a bull………..many things to be wary of.
spiritual direction can come from dealing with our adversities and adversaries over time and we are not stupid ………..we will note when we improve
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” try to keep in mind that the purpose behind it is to remind you that even though you’re not perfect, you’re also not ultimately in charge and that God loves you lavishly, tremendously, unconditionally, eternally.”
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:16-17
But please note that this is what it is all about. It does NOT mean that you will always be happy or always healthy or that your children and those that you love will not be hurt or even die.
That is, “God loves you lavishly, tremendously, unconditionally, eternally.” is not some type of magical formula that will protect you and make you happy or succesful.